Sharpe Funnies

Got any Sharpe Funnies? Rifles Cartoons? Sharpisms? Harperisms? Sharpe things that make you laugh?
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"Lieutenant Slingsby", the Colonel said, "tells me that you insulted him. That you invited him to a duel. That you called him illegitimate. That you swore at him."

Sharpe cast his mind back to the brief confrontation on the ridge's forward slope and after he had pulled the company out of the French panic. "I doubt I called him illegitimate, sir." he said. "I wouldn't use that sort of word. I probably called him a bastard."

Sharpe's Escape

Harper believes in the Trinity: "The Baker Rifle," Sharpe said, "the sword bayonet, and me."

Sharpe and Frederickson discussing marriage and the man who married the "pig-faced woman"...

"... it would be like going to bed with Sargeant Harper" Frederickson grimaced.

Sharpe smiled, "You've never been tempted William?'

"By Sergeant Harper? Don't be impertinent."

Sharpe's Revenge

Nairn: "... I trust Jane is well?"

Sharpe: "Indeed, sir."

Sharpe's tone caused Nairn to give the rifleman an amused look "Do I detect that you are in marital bad odour, Sharpe?"

"I stink,sir"

Sharpe's Revenge

"Are we expecting trouble?" Harper asked.

"No, Pat," Sharpe said. "Soft duty."

"Soft duty, eh? Then why give it to you?"

Sharpe's Skirmish

A slightly "tired" Harry Price and Patrick Harper, before the assault at Cuidad Rodrigo:

Price: "Wake me when glory calls."

Harper: "Yes, sir. Which one4s glory?"

Sharpe's Company

"He hurried to the kitchen where, still naked, he stooped to riddle the stove..."

"Bonjour monsieur" Marie, the old woman who was the last house servant left, peered at him from the larder.

"You're up early" Sharpe said snatching his shirt to hide his nakedness.

"The one who rises early gets to see the best sights" the old lady said.

Sharpe's Ransom

You know you've been watching too much Sharpe when...

... you can correct your tour guide at Waterloo.		... you can sing along to all of Hagman's songs.
... you tell Harper's funny stories as if they were your own.		... you recognize other Sharpe actors, the episodes they were in and the characters they played.
... your sports team nicknames you after a Sharpe character.		... you know all the words to Over the Hills, even those not included in the series.
... your Southern drawl turns into a Yorkshire mumble.		... you quote a complete line at the slightest reference.
... you assume people are as obsessed with Sharpe as you are in casual conversation.		... you refer to people you respect as a proper bastard.
... you insult people by calling them Hakeswill, Ducos or Leroux.		... you develop a deep-seated contempt for all things French for no apparent reason.
... the name Jane makes you flare your nostrils and hiss disapprovingly.		... you know all the Sharper inferences in Sean Bean's other films.
... you get annoyed that your expensive box set is incomplete because you got it before Challenge and Peril.		... all your web signatures and avatars are Sharpe quotes and pictures.
... you use Sharpe quotes for your Facebook status.		... your Christmas gingerbread men strangely resemble Riflemen.
... you grow fond of hearing yourself saying Bloody 'ell or Bugger me in a ripe Yorkshire accent.		... you tell your kids that it would break your heart if they grew up to be cavalry men.
... you distinguish between killing bosses and murdering bosses at work.		... appropriate or not, you give new co-workers Sharpe's 3 Rules speach.
... you watched all the episodes back-to-back in a marathon session immediately after receiving a boxed set.		... you lecture someone on the sins of reading or watching Sharpe out of chronological order.
... when you still shed tears over Perkin's demise in Battle.		... when you start muttering all the lines under your breath while watching Sharpe.
... you suspect every transvestite or manly woman of secretly being a Jewish banker.		... you are inspired to read Voltaire in original French even though you don't know a word of French.
... your friends and family worry that you know a little too much about the Napoleonic era.		... you write Sharpe quizzes for www.quizzfarm.com.
... someone asks how to do something you tell them: Bite, pour, spit, tap, aim, fire.		... all your pets have Sharpe names.
... all your kids have Sharpe names.		... you believe that as long as you have tea, you can survive anything.
... when you are hurrying, you do the Rifles' Quick March.		... you insist on posting picquets when you go on camping trips.
... when your kids get sick, they call for Sharpe instead of Mommy or Daddy.		... no one wants to go hiking with you because all you know is quick march or dawdle.
... you know Portuguese history better than a native does.		... when all your Amazon recommendations are Sharpe, British Military or Napoleonic Era.
... you instantly recognize a Rifleman costume at a party.		... you plan your holiday around attending a John Tams concert.
... you plan your holiday around a Rifles reenactment event.		... you refer to Waterloo Battlefield as Holy Ground.
... you recite memorable lines for special ocasions.		... you dress as a Rifleman for Halloween or Carnival.
... you have a Sharpe pic or artwork as your mobile wallpaper.		... you have a Sharpe sound clip or song as your ring tone.
... you're plotting how to get yourself a Rifleman's uniform.		... you have nightmares about getting your sash tied correctly.
... the only trousers in your closet are dark green.		... the only trousers you notice in the shops are dark green.
... you want to remedy a sprained ankle with best brown paper and paraffin oil.		... the only cuss words you can think of are bugger and bloody.
... you wonder where you can get Maggie the Maggot when you cut yourself.		... you want to remedy a sprained ankle with best brown paper and paraffin oil.
... you can correct someone's mistake with facts such as "it's Maggie the Maggot, not Molly.		... you shout at the telly during a war movie "Form square, you idiots!"
... you correct someone when they call a sabre a sword or vice versa and can explain the difference.		... you can tell the difference between musket fire and rifle fire whenever you watch anything historical like Hornblower.
... one of your favorite insults is "Dancin' Pumps".		... you vow you would never name a dog "Jane", let alone one of your children.
... you lecture your spouse for shouting too much with "We have two ears, but only one mouth...".		... you can name all of Sharpe's Women, in chronological order, without looking.
... you can name all of Wellington's Exploring Agents, in chronological order, without looking.		... you can name all of the villains in Sharpe, in chronological order, without looking.
... the word 'sharp' makes you think of a blonde-haired Yorkshireman, even when its being used to describe a pen knife.		... you begin mealtimes with "Rifles...Load!"
... you reply in the affirmative with "Aye" in stead of "Yes".		... you wish hard that Empire waists should come back into fashion.
... stuck in traffic jams you yell at the other drivers "No dawdlin' now!"		... you don't like brandy but you keep a full hip flask stashed away for 'medicinal purposes'.
... if someone pisses you off, you give him the 'buffle-brained bastard' rant.		... you adamantly defend Sharpe for bad behaviour like sleeping with Isabella the night before Teresa is killed.
... you can't believe it when someone says they don't like Sharpe.		... you have lost track of how many times you've seen the videos.
... all your computer shortcuts and bookmarks are for Sharpe, Regency and Sean Bean sites.		... you hear thunder and worry whether its howitzer or mortar fire.
... you reply to Thank you with "your servant, ma'am".		... instead of saying "Oh my God" you say "Jesus wept".
... your best comeback in an argument is "I've killed fleas smarter than you".		... you get tempted to head butt someone just to see if it hurts or not.
... you ask the butcher why he doesn't carry any salt beef you get angry because he looks at you like you're daft.		... someone asks you what tune that is that you keep whistling incessantly and you realize its O'er the Hills.
... you call the family to dinner "Chosen men...to the front!"		... you answer the phone "Rifleman xxx speaking".
... you open the wrap of the sanitary tampon with your teeth.		... you are planning to buy a Baker rifle just to see how fast you can load it.
... you start addressing fellow females at work as "Lass".		... you answer the question "where are you going?" with "Over the hills and far away".
... you start asking your teenage nephew if he's going to take the King's shilling after graduation.		... you hear the word sharp on telly or in conversation and immediately think someone is referring to Richard Sharpe.
... you refer to Sharpe when reviewing a Napoleonic War computer game.		... you find excuses to use clips from the films to illustrate 19th century warfare in your history classes.

Sharpe and Harper trying to sleep on dirty straw:

Harper: You awake?

Sharpe: Yes.

Harper: What are you thinking of?

Sharpe: Women. Helene.

Harper chuckled: They come and go, eh?

Sharpe's Regiment

Sharpe wanted the dragoons to fire at him, not at his men.

"They'll bloody kill you!" Harper said.

"Maybe they'll turn and run, " Sharpe called back.

"God save Ireland," Harper said, "and why would they do that?"

" Because God wears a green jacket," Sharpe snarled, "of course."

Sharpe's Havoc

Award for the Best Bombastic Speech:

"You don't see a battle. You hear it. Black powder blasting by the ton on all sides. Black smoke blinding you and choking you and making you vomit. Then the French come out of the smoke - not in a line, but in a column. And they march towards our thin line, kettledrums hammering like hell and a golden eagle blazing overhead. They march slowly, and it takes them a long time to reach you, and you can't see them in smoke. But you can hear the drums. They march out of the smoke, and you fire a volley. And the front rank of the column falls, and the next rank steps over them, with drums hammering, and the column smashes your line like a hammer breaking glass... and Napoleon has won another battle. But if you don't run - if you stand until you can smell the garlic, and fire volley after volley, three rounds a minute - then they slow down. They stop. And then they run away. All you've got to do is stand, and fire three rounds a minute. Now, you and I know you can fire three rounds a minute. But can you stand?"
Sharpe's Eagle

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